Al Veoli: Questioning Faith

Dear Al Veoli:

My guy and I have been together about 5 years now. He was unfaithful to me in the past and now he looks at porn. I tell him how it makes me feel and he tells me that "I need to grow up about the whole porn deal". Am I still not enough for him? We just had a baby girl in December 2004. He is a great father but when his best friend comes into town he is a little boy all over again. They go out bar hopping until 4-5am and he doesn't care if I'm setting home all night by myself with the baby. My whole family is 8 hours away. When we do go out he has a lot more to say to his friends' girlfriends then me. I also caught him plenty of times checking out girls right in front of me. I know it's human nature to look but right in front of me?? Do we need counseling??? Please help.

-The Bar or Me

Dear Bar or Me:

Al finds it interesting that "your guy" told you to grow up about the "whole porn deal." He as an individual has the right to look at porn, and you as an individual have the right to abhor it. The thing is, if you're living together, some sort of compromise needs to be reached. Try talking to him further about how you feel; does it bother you that he looks at other women, or is it porn in general that offends you? It sounds as if the answer to that is both, especially given the fact that you have a baby together. Tell him that HE needs to grow up about the whole bar deal, when he leaves you home along all night repeatedly. If he refuses to recognize that this is a problem, you definitely need some sort of counseling or mediation.

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Dear Al Veoli:

I called my boyfriend a couple of times he said that he was coming to meet but did not turn up. I was really pissed when I met him and I ended up being rude by not speaking to him. He also had a bad day. What do I do now? I really want him back-- I don't want to lose him!

-Unhappy

Dear Unhappy:

Al is sorry that you and your boyfriend were at odds when you finally got together, but it sounds like you had a reason to be frustrated. On the other hand, not speaking is rarely productive. Try calling him and articulating how he upset you, i.e. why you were silent. If he can understand and apologizes for his behavior, things might work out.

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Dear Al Veoli:

Am I mean? I am currently involved with my ex-boyfriends (Bob) best friend (Tim). Bob and I dated for almost 4 years, the last year of our relationship we were very distant. He keeps telling me he loved me but a committed relationship was not what he wanted right now. I now know that he was seeing someone else and it was a committed relationship with ME that he didn't want since he will be marrying the girl that he was cheating on me with next month. I have moved on (so I don't think this has anything to do with me having any feelings, other then hate for him), & I am in a much better relationship and very much in love with Tim. But, like I said they are best friends (which has made it hard for me to put Bob completely out of my life) and the break up with Bob was bad, we don't speak. I hate him for being a liar and cheater and don't feel he deserves my friendship anymore. |However, in the mail comes a wedding invitation, addressed only to Tim for Bob's wedding ...so of course that means I was not invited, which is fine I don't want to be there. But I also don't want Tim there. We don't plan on inviting Bob to our wedding next year. I don't know if I am just being selfish, but I know that I will be really mad if Tim goes to Bob's wedding. Not sure why and not sure what to do?

-Upset

Dear Upset:

If you were treated horribly by Bob and are now about to marry Tim, Tim's allegiance should be to you. It is rude to invite your partner without you to a wedding, regardless of past circumstance, and Tim should recognize that. Al is sure the prospect of Tim going to Bob's wedding would upset you because it implies support for and camaraderie with Bob, who was horrible to you. You're not being selfish. Articulate this to Tim, and see what happens.

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Al looks forward to hearing from you!