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In Love and War

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Cleaning, Confusing, and Mothering Woes

Love's Liabilities

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

No Love for Me

The Internet, the Pain, and the Trust

Doubt, Lack, Doubt

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Weight, Cheat, and Miss

     
 

Al Veoli: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Al Veoli

Dear Al Veoli:

My ex boyfriend and I broke up around Dec. He now has a girlfriend and he knew that I still had feelings for him and he didn't even tell me about it; I overheard it. So now I am jealous. We still flirt with one another and he is my best friend. I told him he was my first love and we still even haven't talked about that. People say that they think he still has feelings for me, but I just can't seem to talk to him about it. Should I wait for him?

-Missing Him

Dear Missing Him:

If you and boyfriend broke up and he was not with anyone else subsequent to that relationship, but simply pined away for you, that would be one thing. But he has resumed a relationship, and it is with someone else. It seems pretty clear that your feelings for him do not matter at this point, at least to him, as he has moved on. Al Veoli suggests that you do the same. It is not fair to him or his current girlfriend for you to pursue him. He now has a partner; if you wish to have one, swim around a bit and take note of the other fish in the sea who are not already spoken for.


Dear Al Veoli:

I met my fiancÚ 2 years ago on my vacation. We kept in touch through email and phone. In spite of the long distance, we started a relationship, more than a year ago and met up once since then. We are planning to get married this summer. Early in our relationship, he made me promise I would not go outside after dark by myself because it wasn't safe. Eventually, I couldn't go out after dark even with people. I stopped taking night courses at school. I enjoyed extra-curricular activities; he made me quit everything because he felt that I should rather spend the same amount of time talking to him. I live away from home and he gets all depressed when I go home to visit in the weekend because he doesn't get to talk to me enough. He is jealous of my 6-yr old sister and asks me if I love her more than I love him. He didn't let me go to my best friend's birthday party (which I organized) because it was at night. I have but one friend left now and he doesn't want me to go over to her house because he doesn't like her. He's always on the phone with me and if she calls, he asks me not to be long with her. If I say "what a cute squirrel!" watching my backyard, he gets jealous of the squirrel. I didn't want to lose him, so, I always listened to him. Recently, I asked him if I could go to a semi-formal with my friends since I'm graduating this spring and getting married this summer, it would be my last chance to do anything with them. He refused and I feel so unappreciated for all that I gave up for him. I don't even feel me and I try to tell him this. But he only thinks that I don't respect his opinion and go back on my promises. I want to work it out and be with him, but I wonder- will this ever change? Will I turn psychotic someday? I already feel abnormal with no human touch.

-Single White Female

Dear Single White Female:

Well, perhaps you're not quite the single white female scenario, but it's close. First of all, what your fiance is doing is not only incredibly bizarre and completely unfair to you, but it's also fairly psychotic. He obviously has some serious psychological problems that he needs to address--NOW--before you marry him. That said, it takes two to tango. Why are you asking his permission to go out with your friends? Why are you asking his permission to do extracurricular activities, go out at night, take classes, and see people in general? You have to do what is right for you. He has some serious issues he needs help with, and you seem too dependent on his not at all worthwhile opinion. Al Veoli suggests a break for both of you in this relationship, as it's completely unhealthy. Independence, my friend! Learn what it's all about.


Dear Al Veoli:

I am seeing a man who have cheated on me with his ex he was having a double life for 4 months while with me he was even on holiday with this girl and told me it was with his family he rang everyday telling me how much he wished I was with him I forgave all this even though he lied to me all through our 10 month relationship but since then he fell on me while we were out one night and broke my nose and my leg iv been operated on and have screws and a steel plate in my leg but I'm recovering but he's not treating me right he's getting verbally abusive when drunk and I don't think I can trust him completely I do love him and don't want him to be with anyone else but iv been told a few bad stories about him being violent and I'm afraid he might hurt me what should I do?I am seeing a man who have cheated on me with his ex he was having a double life for 4 months while with me he was even on holiday with this girl and told me it was with his family he rang everyday telling me how much he wished I was with him I forgave all this even though he lied to me all through our 10 month relationship but since then he fell on me while we were out one night and broke my nose and my leg iv been operated on and have screws and a steel plate in my leg but I'm recovering but he's not treating me right he's getting verbally abusive when drunk and I don't think I can trust him completely I do love him and don't want him to be with anyone else but iv been told a few bad stories about him being violent and I'm afraid he might hurt me what should I do?

-Double Trouble

Dear Double Trouble:

It is extremely difficult for Al Veoli to understand why you still wish to pursue this relationship, independent of the fact that you have heard that this man can be abusive and has a drinking problem. You note right away that he lived a double life and lied to you for months. Shouldn't these factors contribute to the standing of your relationship? It is very sad when women (and men) continue to stay with partners who are not partners at all and could not treat them any more poorly. Make a clean break with this duplicitous guy, go to the gym and get into rehab for your injury. Being on your own will help you to realize that you're worth a lot more than this pathetic relationship.


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